Habits of happy people
We know that happiness is defined by the individual, after all the beauty of us is that we are all different. And it would be a bit silly to state that nothing can be learned from observing the happiness of others.
Examining how to be happy is benefited from observing the patterns of others, and then taking only what you find useful. Inspiration is the goal, after all, there are no rigid rules on being happy.
I’ve spent a great deal of time learning more about the subject — happiness in work and life is a topic to take seriously, so I’m always on the hunt for inspiration.
These are a few of my favourite thoughts on the subject.
1. Think of Yourself Less
Our self-esteem is a bit of a tricky topic, because current thinking on self-esteem paints a very inconsistent picture: it seems that high self-esteem is certainly related to happiness, but it can produce other problems with the ego.
For instance, self-esteem that is bound to external success can be a bit fickle — some students who tied their self-esteem to their grades experienced small boosts when they received an acceptance letter, but drops in self-esteem when they were rejected.
Indeed, similar findings can be found for those who base their self-esteem on career success and appearance. Conversely, those who don’t tie their self-esteem as strongly to external motivators tend to have less of a “roller coaster” of emotions to the things that happen to them, and are generally more happy as a result.
Basing your self-esteem on career success or appearance can lead to a focus on a “fear of failure” over the quest for success, which can cause a mindset that “protects” the self-esteem. Staying in a comfort zone, so to speak, so one isn’t ever seen as a failure.
(“Well, it doesn’t’t matter that I failed, because I wasn’t even trying…”)
Instead, find a happy middle ground. Don’t think less of yourself as a person, but think of yourself less, focusing more on betterment of yourself for the sake of those around you, rather than for your own ego.
2. Be Busy, but Not Rushed
Easier said than done, right?
Quite true, because feeling “rushed” is a one-way street to stress and unhappiness. Less and less people can find that happy medium of being just busy enough.
It seems strange that being very productive would cause one to be happy, but finding that balanced free time is key, as too much boredom can be burdensome — strive for a productive life at a comfortable pace.
Often in finding this balance, you’ll have to find out how to say “no” to things. It either needs to be a ”Let’s go for it!”, or a simple “No.” That is, if an opportunity comes across your plate (and the more you branch out, the more things will), you need to either be gung-ho about the idea, or you’ll need to say ‘no’ to it.
3. Have 5 Close Relationships
Relationships are perhaps the most important thing (without exaggeration) when it comes to overall life satisfaction, at least for most people.
I’m not telling you as your health coach, I’m telling you because I’ve seen that having a close group of people in your life can keep you happy for life (it can also help you live longer).
The number is often debated, but remember that it’s not about debating the little things, it’s about the overall lesson. I chose 5 for this subheading because it seems to be a low-end average.
I’ve yet to see any compelling evidence that more friends = happier, because after all, the quality of the people in your life matters the most, just be sure to acknowledge that there are many friends to be made, and maintaining a small circle can go a long way in making you a happy person.
4. Be Proactive About Your Relationships
This applies to all relationships, but especially with your significant other. Plenty of evidence suggests that many relationships (especially marriages) decline over time.
So what can you do?
Often a relationship can go sour if you let it go on autopilot, and there are few things worse for happiness than losing a close companion.
Here are a few other findings from the literature:
• Regularly check-in with family and good friends (around 1-2 weeks for very close friends).
• Celebrate the good things in their life; let them know through active and constructive listening (ie, not just saying “that’s great to hear!”).
• Don’t be a conversational narcissist. Studies show people love hearing themselves talk and talking about themselves, so let them.
Taking care of yourself is apart of taking care of others. In this way, your mutual dedication to improving yourself benefits both of you.
The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, ‘If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.’ Now I say, ‘I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.’
5. Move beyond the Small Talk
The quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people has certainly made its rounds on many a Social media feed, but is there any truth to it? It has been said that small talk, instead of predicting your intelligence, may instead actually hinder your happiness. Small talk is obviously important for smoothing into social conversations, especially with new acquaintances (“Nice to meet you, what’s your opinion on the weather we’re having?”).
In the long term, however, a happier life can be had by avoiding trivial chatter in favour of longer, more thoughtful conversations. In general, talking with others is a good thing for our happiness, but when the conversation is always superficial, it begins to take a toll.
Deep conversations are often those we reserve for close friends and family, which again explains why close relationships are so important for our happiness.
6. Treat Yourself (the Small Pleasures Matter)
Jokes aside about treating yourself. You need to have small wins along the way in order to be truly happy — across many different domains, happiness is more strongly associated with the frequency than the intensity of people’s positive effective experiences.
Regular small pleasures have a bigger impact on happiness than fewer larger ones. Perhaps this is why it’s often so difficult to put off what we want now for what we want later, so beware of the trap here: tough accomplishments that have to be earned often result in a happier day-to-day (working hard to get a promotion, start a successful business, win an award, get in shape, etc.)
In what is one of the funniest excerpts I’ve ever stumbled on in a psychology book, Stumbling on Happiness shares this excerpt from a study that shows why the happiest people often only had 1 sexual partner in the past 12 months:
Why would people who have one partner be happier than people who have many? One reason is that multiple partners are occasionally thrilling, but regular partners are regularly enjoyable. A bi-weekly ride on a merry-go-round may be better than an annual ride on a roller coaster.
Clearly a little treat and consistency now and then can go a long way for your happiness while you make plans for your big goals.
7. Plan Fun, and Spend Money on Experiences
While spontaneous fun is always a good thing, it’s the planning of future activities that often adds to the fun. Specifically planning a nice dinner can have the same effect. In fact, most people, I think, would actively schedule their dinner a week in advance, instead of the next night:
Why the self-imposed delay? Because by waiting a week, these people not only got to spend several hours eating a lovely meal and sipping Fine wine, but they also got to look forward to all that dining and sipping for a full seven days beforehand.
Not only that, but these “experiential purchases” tend to make us happier, and most people are far more happier when buying experiences vs. buying material goods.
You’ve likely heard this before, but why is this the case? Experiences trump material purchases (in general) for the 5 following reasons:
1. Experiences improve over time: a great experience tends to age like a fine wine. Physical items can get old quickly (“Ugh, my phone is 2 months out of date!”), experiences can be relieved and shared for years.
2. People revisit experiences more often: Going hand-in-hand with the above point, experiences tend to get recalled more often. You probably don’t reminisce about that first bicycle you bought, but it’s likely that you remember the first time you went out on it.
3. Experiences are more unique: say what you want, but people love comparing themselves, and they prefer to stand out if they’re able. Since purchases are often so common, we are more likely to compare what we buy with others (which can result in buyer’s remorse). But experiences always have a bit of a unique twist to them, so we are far less likely to make comparisons, and simply enjoy them as they are, relishing in their unique nature.
4. We adapt slowly to experiences: Another reason why experiences seem so awesome to us is that it takes our brain longer to get used to them. Have you ever felt really energised coming back from a great show/dinner/vacation? It’s less likely that a purchased item kept you excited for that long, and it’s because we are better able to adjust to material purchases.
5. Experiences are social: human beings are social animals, that’s a fact. Did you know that true solitary confinement is often classified as “cruel and usual” punishment due to the detrimental effects it can have on the mind? Experiences get us out of our house and sometimes out of our comfort zone, which is a fantastic way to stop us getting housebound..
8. Show Some Appreciation
Psychology doesn’t’t always tell us what we want to hear, so it’s nice when a good deed lines up with a great personal benefit.
Showing some gratitude for someone (or even for what you have) boosts happiness by a noticeable level.
How can this realistically be applied though?
Writing thank-you notes (or just a nice letter) is an effective method of increasing happiness and life satisfaction. There are a lot of fringe benefits to this as well — people rarely get handwritten notes much anymore, so they stand out over a “thnx” via text.
Handwritten letters are also a great way to start the process of reciprocity. Though you should be sending them out of sincere appreciation for someone, remember that true networking is about helping and letting people know that they matter to you.
9. Change Your Perspective
The simple act of listing 3 good things that happened that day (no matter how small) increased happiness and decreased depressive symptoms.
Furthermore, putting yourself in someone else’s shoes (and avoiding a pessimistic outlook) really can make you feel better about your situation. Perhaps most interestingly, a change in view can have a really big impact on your overall happiness.
It’s known that ”the bad stuff” often outweighs the good in our minds, so perspective changes can help us out when times get rough. So the next time you hear advice that you should believe in yourself and appreciate what you have, know that it’s not as superficial as it might seem.
10. Pick a Skill; Master It
Excellence in anything increases your potential in everything.
As it turns out, regularly engaging in your signature strengths is a great way to feel better about yourself.
The long and short of it is that you should find something to excel in, and do it as often as you can.
I know, this is one of the more generic ones on this list, but I hope it serves as some food for thought for renaissance men and women — you can certainly still dabble in lots of things, but giving a single skill/task/achievement enough time for mastery may allow for an exceptional experience in itself.
You should also know that mastering a skill may be just as stressful as you might think. Although the process of becoming proficient at something can take it’s toll on people in the form of stress, people have reported that these same activities made them feel happy and satisfied when they looked back on their day as a whole.
11. Exercise
Some people won’t like this bit, but there is no getting around it. I don’t care how much you hate exercise, there are so many benefits for it (both physically and psychologically) that you should be doing it regularly in some form.
To add to the pile, exercise is a proven strategy for feeling better, increasing your energy levels, and reducing tension.
Yes, starting to exercise may suck at first, but even taking the first step with a short activity may be enough — research suggests that a high-intensity session for just 7 minutes can offer a slew of health benefits.
Not only that, those who are just getting started often see the biggest boost in happiness:
The release of endorphins has an addictive effect, and more exercise is needed to achieve the same level of euphoria over time.
For the rest of us? Switching up routines and making exercise one of our regular habits is the key to lasting happiness. Also, squats. Many, many squats.
12. Don’t Let Time Slip Away
This one is a bit less scientific, but I’d rate it as one of the most important on this list (the most important one is maintaining strong relationships, bar none). The number one regret must be not being true to one’s own dreams. It must be heartbreaking when people realize that life is passing by and looking back on it, it’s easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people, through life, commitments, finances, etc., had not fulfilled a half of their dreams. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
Perhaps the biggest wake-up call here is that people don’t necessarily mean for this to happen—one day blended into the next, and “someday” passed by, and a call to follow a specific dream went unanswered.
It will be HunkyDory. It’s your life, be happy…
HunkyDory 