Ask…

Okay People, You’ve asked someone how they are doing, and if they are okay. No is the reply. What do you do next?

In the present time, on top of everything else, for many of us the COVID-19 pandemic has negatively affected our mental health. It’s important to check in on family, friends, work colleagues – and ask how they are; but what do we do if they are not okay?

Here are a few things to think about if someone is going through a crisis.

One thing before we start, you have to think about yourself first. You can’t support anyone if you are having a bad time yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes. If you are in a good place, “and your cup is full”, let’s continue.

1. Walk through the mud with them

You have asked someone if they are ok, and sometimes you may have to ask twice before you get the right answer – they let you know they are not coping well. Pay full attention now because it’s their stage, it is their time to talk. Listen intently to understand, don’t reply quickly or give them advise. Try not asking questions, and listen to what they have to say. Do not give them any of your life anecdotes, or that you know someone who isn’t well. You may want to nod your head, say ‘mmm’ or offer short responses such as ‘that sounds really tough’ as they are telling their story. This lets them know you are listening.

By doing this, we are ‘walking through the mud with them’ and discovering how they are feeling and what they have been going through. It is important to know this may be the first time they have ever reached out for support. We have to be patient and give them time.

2. Understand

Understand: Carefully listen, hear what they are telling you. Try to understand why they are feeling the way they do. Make some mental notes on the key ‘themes’ or ‘issues’ they are bringing up. Did something happen that triggered their feelings, a specific event, or has this been building up over time?

At this point, it’s time to ask questions and be clear on their feelings. Try not to use closed questions. Closed questions require a yes or no response, for example, “So you are depressed?”). Open questions allow the person to answer the question however they like, expand on their reply. This will give you insight into how they are feeling. Some questions that may be helpful include: “Can you tell me how you felt when that happened?” / “How do you feel now?” / “I am here for you. Can you tell me what happened to make you feel this way?

3. Recognise

Recognise if the person is in crisis. ‘Being in crisis’ means different things for different people. It is generally understood as being a critical moment where someone is particularly vulnerable. Some examples of crisis are: being unable to function or care for themselves, being unable to continue normal activities such as work or parenting, having thoughts of suicide, and having thoughts of hurting others.

If we are unsure if the person is in crisis it is important to ask them.

This can prove a bit scary, especially if the person is close, a loved one or friend. It is important to ask because their answer will determine what we do next. Be sure to be direct and use clear language.

For example, “From what you have told me it sounds like you are really struggling right now. I really care about you and want to support you. I am not here to judge you, but it’s really important that I know the answer to this question. Have you had thoughts of suicide?” OR “I can hear you are feeling depressed and are finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning. Do you think you will be able to continue working at the moment?”

4. Connect

It is really important to recognise that you cannot fix their problems — you are not a mental health professional. You are people who care about them and are here to support and connect them to resources.

At this step, we connect them to support services. If they are having a serious mental health crisis, such as having thoughts of suicide or wanting to hurt others, get medical professional advice immediately.If they are not having a serious crisis, but still need support, there are several ways you can help.

• There are many telephone counselling and helplines available across the world. A quick google search will tell you the name and number of the one in your area. Ask the person if they want to give them a call. It can be scary to tell a stranger about how we are feeling, but often this can be a great first step to speaking to an objective person, who can offer further support and referrals.

• Book in with a medical professsional to discuss treatment options. This may include a referral to a psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor. You could offer to drive them to the appointment or call them while they are on their way for support.

• There are heaps of self-help resources out there. Encourage your friends to explore these online, or print out the information you think may be helpful. It is always best to get this information from reputable sources.

• Ask if they have someone else in their life they want to tell how they are feeling. Again, while this can seem super scary, it is important to establish a strong support network of friends, relatives and/or colleagues

5. Check-In

Regardless of whether the person was in a serious crisis or their concern was less serious, it is important we check in with them later.

Involving the person in this decision is best. Ask their permissions and make a plan. “I understand things are really tough right now. You have been so fantastic in reaching out for support with me today. Can you ring me after the doctor’s appointment and let me know how it goes?”

Remember, your top priority should always be your own well-being. If you ever feel unable to help, out of your depth, or just need advice, you have a few options.

• Many areas have helplines, are available to those caring or supporting someone with a mental health problem. Never be afraid to reach out and ask for support.

• If you are in a job that offers an Employee Assistance Program, these are normally free or low-cost services that offer access to mental health professionals. These services are usually confidential and a great option.

• Connect with other carers, or supports of people with mental illness. There are heaps of online forums, Social media groups and websites are a quick search away.

In ideal world, we would live stress free in a happy, peaceful existence. Unfortunately we are constantly bombarded with matters and events to cope and deal with. Mostly we just do, we achieve things, we get through, we work hard and enjoy our lives and successes. However, there are times where, for some reason, we or those close to us find it harder to cope, harder to get through and enjoy life.

It is at those times where we need someone, we just don’t see it clearly. I used to look on life as carrying your own water, but sometimes that bucket of water gets too heavy to carry on your own, so that’s when you need help.

I hope this has given you something to think about should you ever be in that situation. I hope not. I hope that everyone can enjoy their lives peacefully and positively.

The important stuff stays…